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The Art Of Written Word. 
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Post The Art Of Written Word.
I will post some of my lame poetic writings up in this bitch soon.
Feel free to share.
:red:

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Post Re: The Art Of Written Word.
I guess it is almost obligatory for me to post here.

First, a poem. I hate writing poems, and think I am rather awful at it. But, this one piece always stuck to me.

My Father's Son

Falling out of touch,
the world passes by in a rush.
Guess I dreamed too much
but dreams are better than the hush

of people in pain,
their loved ones moving on the way
to the phantom train,
tortured that they just watch and stay.

After all I’ve done,
I wonder about salvation.
Not a single one
helps ease the anticipation.

When I reach the end
Will I end being like him?
If I could just mend
the past but the chances are slim.

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Sie waren schrecklichen Echsen weißt du nicht,
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Sun Jul 25, 2010 8:13 pm
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Post Re: The Art Of Written Word.
My attempt at emotional indie rap.
:red:

You say I'm full of shit and it's true, I'll come clean
This cotton and this denim are nearly bursting at the seams
Except you don't know there's a reason I say these ridiculous things
I craft these outlandish tales to make up for my lack of self-esteem

But you'll see, one of these days my time will come
I'll grow to gargantuan size and I'll consume the sun
Then you'll be able to play your malicious games under veil of dark
Pouting red lips part to reveal serpentine tongue and the teeth of a shark




WOOOOORD.

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Post Re: The Art Of Written Word.
Now to the lighten the mood with some creative non-fiction!

Don't Start a Band

About the Author

So you want to start a band? Before you start you should know musicians are unreliable, unstable and usually unscrupulous. If you can find a group of musicians to play with, it is almost impossible to get all of them in the same place; even then getting them to behave like anything more than a group of caged apes is nothing short of a miracle. To top off their morally reprehensible behavior (and I do not exclude myself from that description), musicians also tend to fall into financial and relationship problems, not to mention their problems with the law, all in an effort to become a rock star. However, none of this has stopped millions of people from middle school to mid-life crisis from forming what they think
will be the next big thing.

Having been an active musician for years, I can safely say that talent is difficult to find, and sometimes even worse to work with. If I could go back and focus all my energy on another hobby like Golf, or painting, I would. Starting a band is nothing like baking a cake, there aren’t any recipes, instructions or even guidelines on how to do it. That is why the best advice I can give to any up-and-coming musician is, “don’t start a band.”

Step One: Know Thy Enemy

Let’s begin by defining musicians. In the simplest form, musicians are people who play an instrument with the intent to be heard by others. That means even though you can play every Van Halen riff in your bedroom, your stuffed animals do not count as an audience*1. In all their attempts to be unique and stand out, musicians are constantly fitting themselves into different stereotypes. This can refer to their genre (I wonder who the first punk to wear a leather jacket was?) or simply how they carry themselves as a human being. Whether it is their personality, equipment (or lack thereof) or their musical ability, almost all musicians fall into one of the following archetypes:

The Animal – Animals are usually drummers or guitarists. Named after the infamous Muppet, they are annoying as hell and their hyperactivity will cause the destruction of your property, patience and intolerance for physical violence. Every time you stop playing to talk to the band, the Animal will take this opportunity to make as much noise as possible. You will want to kill the Animal, but it would be unnecessary as they will most likely overdose on drugs like Oxy Contin. As the name implies they often smell awful as well.

The Cowboy – The Cowboy is a guitar player and 97.4%*2 of them play only acoustic guitar. Devoid of almost any talent, Cowboys only know enough chords to sing over and impress drunken girls at parties. Jack Johnson is the undisputed God of Cowboys with the most girls impressed by shitty guitar playing*3.

The Kanye West – Kanye Wests are mostly singers who think they are the second coming of musical Jesus. They almost always have a self-importance complex causing them to be attention whores and control freaks. Their musical talent will always be overshadowed by their ability to look like a jackass in every situation possible. However, their acts of extravagant stupidity will gain your band an epic amount of publicity.

The Only Bass Player in Town – There is only one and you will be lucky to find him. What separates The Only Bass Player in Town from other bassists is he actually wanted to play bass, instead of being forced to because the band already had 2 guitarists*4.

The Richie Rich – Richie Riches always have a large collection of high quality gear. This stems from a belief that somehow the more expensive your gear is, the better a player you are. The only reason they are in bands is because no one wanted to cough up money for a PA system, and they continue to prove there is no guitar, amplifier or effect that can dial out “suck”*5.

The Bum – Bums on the other hand have no gear except for one guitar with two broken strings they are too lazy to replace. If you have more than one Bum in your band you will witness a “Bum fight”, or an argument over who gets to use the last pick, who uses the only back-up guitar with strings or who has to ride the Greyhound Bus to the next gig.



Step Two: Conforming is an Art Form

Another problem with musicians is they have this irrational and obsessive fear of genres. When you ask a musician what type of music they play, most will respond with a laundry list of obscure hyphenated genres*6. Playing an obscure form of music allows musicians to feel like they are doing something new and creative; however, all they are really doing is relabeling old genres to try and sound hip. For example, there are so many sub genres of Metal music it has actually become comical, so much so to the point where metal heads have to quiz each other on the genre’s finer points in order to be accepted. Here is a standard conversation between two metal heads.

Bill: “Who do you think is the most metal band of all time?”
Ted: “Black Sabbath, obviously.”
Bill: “Correct, who is the better Thrash band, Slayer or Metallica?”
Ted: “Metallica, except for St. Anger, that album blows.”
Bill: “Correct, why can’t you listen to White Chapel?”
Ted: “Because they are Deathcore, and Deathcore is lame.”
Bill: “Right, last question: what was Lamb of God’s first name?”
Ted: “Burn the Priest, also the name of their first album.”
Bill: “That’s right!” *Bill gives Ted Kool-Aid.*7*



Deciding on a genre is a defining moment for a band, so make sure to classify yourself correctly. If you have trouble deciphering what genre you play follow these easy steps:

1. Find your root genre, for example rock.
2. Next decide what makes you different, for example garage rock or indie rock.
3. Next make add arbitrary prefixes and suffixes, like post-punk or metal-core.

Congratulations, you officially have a unique genre to tell everyone about. Now that you know what you want to play it is time to start writing the music.

Step Four: Playing Loud is Second Only to Looking Loud

Your music is written and it is time to play with the band, but where? Finding a jam space is a crucial step in forming a band for many reasons: noise statutes, equipment safety, a creative environment and a place to crash after excessive alcohol consumption*8. The obvious choice is someone’s garage, but depending on the neighborhood this may be ruled out. The best solution is a rented storage space*9.

Next you have to move the equipment to the decided space. However since most musicians are poor and have to borrow their girlfriend’s car it may be difficult moving that 8x10” bass speaker cabinet. Furthermore, things get tricky when it comes to setting everything up. Drummers by far have the most annoying equipment to move and assemble, so they will always try to recruit someone to help them or simply do it for them. There are solutions like electronic drum sets which are much less cumbersome, however the easiest fix is to simply remind your drummer he can be replaced by a machine.

Finally when you do actually get a group of musicians together to jam, and everything is set up, you then get to play the volume game. The rules are simple, in the volume game whoever is the loudest wins. This means anytime you think you can’t hear yourself, turn up. By the end of the game everyone’s amplifier will be on eleven, you will know whose amp is the loudest and your ear drums will have shattered like your dreams of becoming famous*10.

The irony in the use of such large and loud equipment is that musicians do it to imitate the rock gods who play with a wall of Marshall speaker cabinets behind them. The cruel joke is, most of those cabs are empty and really the “god” is playing through one of them*11 which is mic’ed and ran through the PA. However, it is hard to argue that playing in front of a full stack of eight 12” speakers isn’t badass.

Step Five: What is in a name?


With bleeding ears you now have a group of musicians playing together, now it is time to choose a name. Unfortunately with the advent of the internet came one terrible revelation amongst bands, every single name is taken. Nowadays unless you pull something drastic like misspelling a word*12 , using a city or state’s name*13 or stealing something artsy*14 the choices of original band names are limited*15. Once you do choose a name the only things left to look forward to are years of terrible gigs, low pay and dirty business. You will have members come and go, friendships torn apart and relationships reduced to rubble all for the sake of your art.

Conclusion

At this point you should probably start figuring out that creating a band is one of the most frustrating and miserable activities one can engage in. You will never have time, no one will like you and you are pretty much doomed to fail. Even if you do hit it big*16, you still have to deal with an openly seedy industry, contracts, lawyers and schedules so full you won’t even have a chance to do the thing people pay you to do, make music.


-------------------------------------------------
1. At least there is always YouTube.

2. A completely fabricated yet astonishingly accurate statistic.

3. At first one might think Bob Dylan was a Cowboy, however upon closer inspection you will find he did not suck.

4. Fact: Paul McCartney did not want to play bass for the Beatles, until their original bassist Stu Sutcliffe decided to stay in Hamburg after a tour to paint with his new girlfriend (a.k.a. the original Yoko, proving once again Yoko Ono has never done anything original) and Paul became bassist by default.

5. However this will not stop them from spending thousands of dollars on equipment. Google Dumble amplifiers.

6. Unless they are a hipster, in which case they will respond with a long list of very obscure (sometimes made-up) bands.

7. This is an abridged example. It is said that the actual Metal Entrance Exam can take up to four hours, and sometimes involves plastic swords and fake blood.

8. Why every jam space needs a couch.

9. Unless you are Goth, then head for the graveyard. Only amongst gravestones can evil thoughts be wrought.

10. Also the bass will be completely drowned out in the mix, but since most bassists don’t want to be playing the instrument it usually a good thing.

11. Or in some cases, due to endorsement deals the musician must be “seen” playing a certain product, when in reality they are using a completely different setup hidden behind stage.

12. The Beatles, Def Leppard, Mötley Crüe

13. Boston, Chicago, Kansas

14. Bauhaus (German art movement), Modest Mouse (from a passage in Viriginia Woolf’s “The Mark on the Wall”), The Doors (from William Blake's “The Marriage of Heaven and Hell”)

15. Animals in your names = instant indie classic.

16.Yeah, right.

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Einige aßen Pflanzen und einigen Fleisch gegessen
Einige aßen Fisch und einige aßen Tiere


Sun Jul 25, 2010 8:27 pm
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Post Re: The Art Of Written Word.
Misanthropic enlightment achieved through chemically altered thought process
The many fabrics of existence isolated and decrypted
The discrepancies and paradoxes of human existence unveiled
My manifest destiny revealed, the cleansing of parasitic man


I am having a weird, drug-induced euphoric psychological adventure at the moment.
:hypno:

I am not sure yet what I think of this stuff, but I will keep posting it as I write it.

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Sun Oct 17, 2010 6:46 pm
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Post Re: The Art Of Written Word.
Misanthropic enlightment achieved through chemically altered thought process
The many fabrics of existence isolated and decrypted
The discrepancies and paradoxes of human existence unveiled
My manifest destiny revealed; the strategic extermination of parasitic man

Elevated, exalted, my calling realized
Sweet intoxication consumes my mortal soul
Purpose has been given to this aimless vessel
My hands tools in the service of this great cleansing

:hypno:

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Post Re: The Art Of Written Word.
The only words I write lately are the icing on top of a musical caek. :red:

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Sun Oct 17, 2010 7:36 pm
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Post Re: The Art Of Written Word.
I am trying to figure out if I am a genius or a complete fucking hack.

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Sun Oct 17, 2010 7:37 pm
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Post Re: The Art Of Written Word.
Epic move whoever moved this to the Art Forum. :isay:

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Sun Oct 17, 2010 7:45 pm
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Post Re: The Art Of Written Word.
I originally posted this in here.
:idk:

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Post Re: The Art Of Written Word.
Broseidon wrote:
I originally posted this in here.
:idk:

Ah.


:noir:

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Sun Oct 17, 2010 8:12 pm
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Post Re: The Art Of Written Word.
Indeed.
:monocle:

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Sun Oct 17, 2010 8:19 pm
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Post Re: The Art Of Written Word.
Does someone wanna give me any feedback/perspective on the what I have posted?
I honestly don't know what to think of it, I think I am in love with the concept but I could see someone else thinking it is pretentious and overdone.
:idk:

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Sun Oct 17, 2010 8:21 pm
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Post Re: The Art Of Written Word.
I can't offer much help with the hip hop, but the misanthropic killing one is pretty cool. :D I could hear it in Frank Mullen's voice.

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Sun Oct 17, 2010 8:23 pm
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Post Re: The Art Of Written Word.
Unstrung wrote:
I can't offer much help with the hip hop, but the misanthropic killing one is pretty cool. :D I could hear it in Frank Mullen's voice.


This was indeed what I was talking about, never mind the hip hop dealie, that was more of an experiment than anything.

But yes, I am enjoying this.
More of that "Misanthropic Empowerment" as you so aptly put that describes most of my metal lyrics.
:D :huzzah:

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Sun Oct 17, 2010 8:29 pm
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Post Re: The Art Of Written Word.
Image

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Sun Oct 17, 2010 8:41 pm
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Post Re: The Art Of Written Word.
Some of us have special gifts.
:D

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Sun Oct 17, 2010 8:49 pm
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Post Re: The Art Of Written Word.
More drugs.
:red:

Misanthropic enlightment achieved through chemically altered thought process
The many fabrics of existence isolated and decrypted
The discrepancies and paradoxes of human existence unveiled
My manifest destiny revealed; the strategic extermination of parasitic man

Elevated, exalted, my calling realized
Sweet intoxication consumes my mortal soul
Purpose has been given to this aimless vessel
My hands tools in the service of this great cleansing

The insects are silenced without hesitation
I fear not for them nor taste remorse
They shall be condemned to eternal suffering
Exiled to a seperate plane of existence; pre-fabricated, perfect hell

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Mon Oct 18, 2010 2:58 pm
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Post Re: The Art Of Written Word.
Imagine this as a country song:


I was doin' some drinkin',
don't know what I was thinkin',
when I had a hankerin' for a black n' mild.

In a state of disrepair,
I ended up in God knows where,
With a chicken nugget stuffed in my mouth.

That's when I woke up in Harlem,
with a tranny layin' next to me.
That's when I woke up in Harlem,
don't know what she was packin',
but some things are best left a mystery.

*slide guitar solo*

I try to clear my head,
as I escape that bed
on some strangers living room floor.

I make it to the street,
and on my own two feet,
I walk all the way back to my room.

That's when I woke up in Harlem,
with a tranny layin' next to me.
That's when I woke up in Harlem,
don't know what she was packin',
but some things are best left a mystery.



Maybe more to come? Iunno, I am sick of it already.

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Dinosaurier live vor langer Zeit
Sie waren schrecklichen Echsen weißt du nicht,
Einige aßen Pflanzen und einigen Fleisch gegessen
Einige aßen Fisch und einige aßen Tiere


Mon Oct 18, 2010 3:48 pm
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Post Re: The Art Of Written Word.
That's pretty damn good. :huzzah:

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Mon Oct 18, 2010 4:03 pm
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