Inspired by a thread I saw elsewhere...


Mine would not be a big event, really. I would not have a funeral. There would be the completion and activation of my tomb, though.

I shall be laid to rest within a massive ziggurat, with my guitars sealed behind sheets of diamond. This ziggurat will float in the near-vacuum of space, as it will be situated upon a large asteroid in the asteroid belt.



The place will be cleaned and serviced by giant tardigrades. They would also be the guards of the place, as they would have a strong plasma armament mounted on their chins.

The ziggurat will be inhabited by a holographic simulation of me in my prime, and it will be discomfortingly naked, beergut and all. I would usually be found casually riding one of the aforementioned giant tardigrades.



Alternatively, the asteroid itself if it is properly rocky could be internally excavated into my royal tomb. Because there is barely any gravity to speak of there would be no ground, so doors and halls would appear in any direction...

You really should have seen this coming:

Is that man's toga made of bacon?

The band's name makes me angry. The rest is okay, kind of a Beatles thing I guess.

Also:

of Montreal is a difficult band to classify. On one hand you have acoustic-pop stuff like that, on the other hand you have all sorts of crazy shit.

I really like that one song for one lyric:

"When the priest leans over me,
and starts talking about Jesus
and the state of my soul,
please remind him ...

That we're having a funeral here,
not a play."

Makes me laugh every time.

Also, I don't want a funeral.

I want to go down in a blaze of glory leaving none of my bodily remains intact.

Oak box.
Cheap booze.
Samuel L. Jackson.

I like your style. Also get back on facebook chat so I can finish this epic story.

Chunk me into clay and I don't give a shit. In fact, for all I care, some fat black man named Simone could eat me to a skeleton, then they could proceed to throw my bones into the crowd of a U2 concert.


My funeral will be whatever someone else wants it to be, because I'll be dead and I won't give a fuck.

Probably no one will know about it.

I don't know, one would think that people would notice when the guy who took over their planet died.

Unless you mean you have some sort of clone or robot replicant in waiting after you die, so that no one will know you are of the mortal.

Cause I would totally expect something like that from you.

Sad types like Chris and Metal Fanatic need fear not; my tardigrades will find your and any other Maplitonians who have not been provided a properly epic burial's bodies and deposit them within the ancient meteoric ore.

A conveyor BELT will be constructed on the surface for the tardigrades to place any Maplitonian remains on, that will carry the remains to the center of the Ziggurat.

Ah, I had a BELT sandwich yesterday.

A Bacon Explosion Lettuce Tomato.

And now we have an official forum sandwich!

I forgot to mention that mine will take place in the desert with buzzards overhead.

If all goes to plan, I will be instantly converted to another form of usable energy.

Ideally I'd like something providing no financial burden whatsoever to those whom I'd leave behind. Really I'd rather no fanfare of any sort, to just be dumped off somewhere (Whether it be in the woods, in the ocean or a river, whatever) and everyone move on.

I guess I could deal with some kind of get-together in remembrance, as long as it were more of a party atmosphere. With blackjack. And hookers. In fact, forget the remembrance and blackjack!

And poisonous snakes will devour us whole
Our bones will bleach in the sun
And we will probably go to hell
And that is our great reward
For being the-uh Roy-oyal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen!

Keep $1000 in your shoes at all times in case of death.

Mine would be quite simple. Since I need my body to be cremated and I have Viking blood, a simple ship made from hand carved teak, with appropriate gargoyles carved from Ebony looking over me, weeping would suffice. Then the ship needs to be launched and set ablaze while floating on lake of virgins tears, that are weeping having never had the opportunity to bed me.This only after a simple procession somewhat like the death of a pope, since I am somewhat the pope of maplitonia. I will leave my gear to you gents, well those of you that do not commit suicide after hearing of my death.

Fairly simple, oui?