Eh, have been trying to bang out more of this script, not going too well.
I am at a loss for funny ideas. I keep writing myself into brick walls, but I am thinking of more and more ideas for other projects as well so at least it hasn't been a total loss.
Anywho, here is what I got, formatting be damned!
SCIENCE!
PILOT
SCENE 1
INT. - LAB
CLOSE UP OF A CLASSIC WOOD PANEL ANSWERING MACHINE. PHONE RINGS AND GOES TO MACHINE.
VOICE
(NERVOUS) Uh hello, Doctor … Telsa? This is Doug from Ameribank. It looks like the last payment on your credit account is late. We were wondering if you could maybe pay that some time?
ZOOM OUT TO REVEAL DOCTOR TESLA STANDING BY THE PHONE.
VOICE
(IN BACKGROUND)
So we accept pretty much any form of payment. Well not anything, we don't accept any species of livestock. Let me tell you I will never try to collect from a third-world country again.
DR. TESLA
Zombie Edison! (MENACINGLY) Analyze his voice.
ZOMBIE EDISON
(SALUTES, INCOHERENT ZOMBIE SPEAK) Uh yuh!
ZOMBIE EDISON RUSHES OFF TO A COMPUTER SCREEN AND BEGINS TYPING. THE COMPUTER SCREEN FLASHES “VOICE ANALYSIS COMPLETE, BEGINNING DUPLICATION”. PAN TO ANOTHER SCREEN DISPLAYING “TRIANGULATING LOCATION OF CALL”. PAN TO ANOTHER SCREEN DISPLAYING A PROFILE OF THE BILL COLLECTOR.
DR. TESLA PUTS ON A HEADSET.
DR. TESLA
Is he married?
ZOMBIE EDISON
Nuh.
DR. TESLA
Of course not. Girlfriend?
ZOMBIE EDISON STOPS TYPING AND LOOKS AT TESLA.
DR. TESLA
Fantasy Wars guild?
ZOMBIE TESLA PULLS UP PROFILE OF A FANTASY WARS GUILD.
DR. TESLA
Perfect! Connect to their voice-chat server under his name, and activate the voice duplicator this time!
COMPUTER SCREEN SHOWS ACTIVITY
NERDY VOICE
Kemlor, you are on at a peculiar hour? Didst thou escape from thine enslavement?
DR. TESLA
(DUPLICATING BILL COLLECTORS VOICE) No nerd bags, I finally decided to get a real life
COLLECTIVE GASPS
DR. TESLA
Oh yeah, and you are all fat losers who will never lose their virginity. Also, I talk about how lame all of you are to other guilds on the server. We call you the “Champions of Pitiful Social Lives”. Everyone laughs about it, it's a great joke. There is a song on YouTube about it.
NERDY VOICE
Kemlor, why does thoust talk of us so? Your loyal companions …
DR. TESLA
Because I have always hated you, and I think you all should just go ahead and do everyone a favor and suicide together, cult style.
INT. - DARK BASEMENT
PATHETIC LOOKING GUY SITTING IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER.
BILL COLLECTOR
Time to slay the Demon Lord. Good thing I skipped that shower or else I would have missed the raid. What? ‘Guild membership has been revoked’? What's going on!
COMPUTER SCREEN, MESSAGE POPS UP. “Thine foul words and despicable betrayal cuts deeper than Marignors Sword of Deception. Enjoy thine's banishment from the Champions of Powerful Might!”
BILL COLLECTOR
(DEVASTATED) No … No … NO!
BILL COLLECTOR GRABS NOVELTY BLADE OFF WALL AND SLASHES HIS OWN HEAD OFF. ZOOM OUT TO REVEAL THE ENTIRE EVENT ON DR. TESLA'S SCREEN.
INT. - LAB
DR. TESLA
Perfect. (LOOKS AT ZOMBIE EDISON) We really do need to figure out how to pay the bills though. That experiment with Unobtanium cost me a pretty kuna.
COMPUTER SURVEILLANCE IN BACKGROUND SHOWS BILL COLLECTOR'S MOM DISCOVERING HIS DECAPITATED BODY AND FREAKING OUT.
DR. TESLA
The east wing of Lab-34 is still empty after the gigantic miniature poodle died.
EXT. - TEST FIELD – DAY
GIGANTIC MINIATURE POODLE STANDING IN FIELD. MOLOTOV COCKTAIL THROWN FROM OFF SCREEN IGNITES POODLE WHICH BEGINS RUNNING AROUND IN FLAMES.
INT. – LAB
INTRO
SCENE 2
EXT. – CITY STREET IN FRONT OF APARTMENT BUILDING – DAY
MALE VOICE
(PANIC) Jesus Christ!
INT. – CRAPPY APARTMENT BATHROOM – DAY
GIRL LAYING IN TUB FULL OF BLOODY WATER
GIRL
(SNAPPING BACK TO LIFE) Calm down David, it’s just a photo shoot.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL CAMERA CREW AND A SHOCKED DAVID IN THE DOOR WAY.
DAVID
Is this for that Troubled Women website? I can’t believe you subject yourself to this stuff Kelsie.
KELSIE
Yeah David, well, someone has to pay the rent around here. Can we take five guys?
PHOTO CREW LEAVES GRUMBLING. KELSIE STEPS OUT OF TUB NAKED.
DAVID
(BLUSHING) Um yeah about that.
KELSIE
You didn’t find a job today did you?
DAVID
Errrr … no.
KELSIE
(PUTTING ON A ROBE) Well you remember our agreement don’t you?
DAVID
Please no.
KELSIE
David, you said that if you didn’t find a job by the end of the month so you could start paying for your share of the rent, you would either move out or volunteer to be my submissive in a Troubled Women shoot.
DAVID
But, Kelsie –
KELSIE
No Davey, I can’t float you anymore. (RUMMAGING THROUGH HER CLOSET) So what is it going to be?
KELSIE PULLS OUT A LATEX SUIT AND A BALL GAG.
EXT. – CITY STREET IN FRONT OF APARTMENT – DAY
DAVID CARRYING LUGGAGE AND OTHER BELONGINGS. KELSIE APPEARS FROM A WINDOW.
KELSIE
Sorry about this Davey. But remember, if you ever change your mind, the ball gag will be here.
PEDESTRAINS GIVE DAVID DIRTY LOOKS
DAVID
Kelsie! Don’t worry about me, I have a few options.
DAVID BEGINS WALKING DOWN THE STREET
DAVID
(PAUSING) I have nothing.
SCENE 3
INT. – LAB – DAY
DR. TESLA AND ZOMBIE EDISON SIT PLAYING HOLOGRAPHIC BATTLESHIP
SHIP BLOWS UP. ZOMBIE EDISON GRUNTS IN AGONY
DR. TESLA
Shut up, it was just a lucky first shot. You’re move.
ZOMBIE EDISON
Uh-Uhhuh
COMPUTER TERMINAL
Unrecognized move.
ZOMBIE EDISON
(AGITATED) Uh-huhhuh
COMPUTER TERMINAL
Unrecognized move.
ZOMBIE EDISON
(OUTRAGED) UH-HUHHUH!
COMPUTER TERMINAL
Unrecognized move. If trying to use a language other than English, please consult the user manual.
ZOMBIE EDISON AND COMPUTER GO BACK AND FORTH IN BACKGROUND
DR. TESLA
And he wonders why we never do things together anymore. Oh, it seems like only yesterday …
FLASHBACK – EXT. – LATE 19th CENTURY OUTDOOR ARENA – DAY
A LARGE WOODEN STAGE WITH A LARGE BANNER READING “BATTLE OF THE CURRENTS – NIAGARA FALLS” IS HANGING ABOVE IT. TO THE LEFT IS TESLA WITH HIS ALTERNATING CURRENT, AND TO THE RIGHT IS A STILL LIVING EDISON WITH HIS DIRECT CURRENT.
CANADIAN AND AMERICAN JUDGES DELIBERATE.
JUDGE 1
We, the representatives of the Niagara Falls Energy Association, would like to announce we have made a decision. From now on, we shall use … Dr. Tesla’s Alternating Current of Wonder and Awesomness.
CHEERING AS TESLA IS PRESENTED WITH A TROPHY
DR. TESLA
(EMOTIONAL) Oh wow, this is so amazing. I couldn’t have done it without my financial backers (POINTS TO RICH LOOKING GENTLEMEN), my team (POINTS TO MOUSTACHED SCIENTISTS) and most important, myself. I really amazed myself on this one. But, when there is a winner there is also a loser. So let me get a round of applause for my rival, Dr. Edison!
PAN TO EDISON ATTACHING JUMPER CABLES TO HIS NECK, COMMITTING. SUICIDE.
FLASHFOWARD – INT. - LAB – DAY
DR. TESLA
Ah, you crafty bastard. You knew I wanted nothing more than to shove that victory right down your throat, and you took that from me. Of course, we see who got the last laugh.
DR. TESLA BEGINS LAUGHING MANIACALLY TO REALIZE ZOMBIE EDISON AND THE COMPUTER TERMINAL HAD STOPPED ARGUING.
DR. TESLA
Ehhhhh, remembered a funny joke I once heard?
ZOMBIE EDISON GLARES AT TESLA
Enough jokes, we must find a way to make some money. There must be something we can do with a gigantic empty room … Aha!
CUT TO CRAIGSLIST AD READING “BIG EMPTY ROOM FOR RENT! GREAT FOR STORAGE!”
INT. – OFFICE – DAY
TESLA SITTING OPPOSITE A WELL DRESSED SMILING MAN.
DR. TESLA
(SIGNING DOCUMENTS) Well I think that just about settles it. You can start moving in your things as soon as I get that spare key made.
MAN
Great, great. Hey I forgot to ask, is this room climate controlled?
DR. TESLA
Why yes of course.
MAN
Good, good. The bodies have to stay cold or else they start smelling just awful.
DR. TESLA
Oh yes, I know that game.
DR. TESLA STOPS WRITING, SLOWLY STARTS CRUMBLING UP PAPER.
MAN
Hey, what’s wrong?
DR. TESLA
You should probably leave now.
MAN
Is this about the bodies?
DR. TESLA
No, no, no of course not. (AWKWARD SILENCE) Yes it’s about the bodies.
MAN
What if I promise to give you ten minutes alone with them each weekend.
DR. TESLA
(STUNNED) Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh.
DR. TESLA PRESSES A BUTTON AND A CAGE FALLS ON THE MAN.
EXT. – TEST FIELD – DAY
SMILING MAN WAKES UP TO FIND HIMSELF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TEST FIELD.
MAN
Where the hell am I? What happened?
THE SOUND OF SOMETHING FLYING THROUGH THE AIR CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.
What is that? Is that a …
MAN GETS HIT BY A MOLOTOV COCKTAIL. CATCHES FIRE AND STARTS RUNNING AROUND SCREAMING. CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL DR. TESLA AND ZOMBIE EDISON WATCHING ON A MONITOR.
INT. – LAB – DAY
DR. TESLA
When will I learn not to trust people from the Internet. Oh, how could this day get any worse?
SIRENS AND FLASHING LIGHTS START GOING OFF
And there it is.
COMPUTER TERMINAL
Warning. Test subject escape in Lab 7.
DR. TESLA
Lab 7? The damn mice, again? Computer, bring up Lab 7 on the monitors.
MONITORS SHOW A STAMPEDE OF MICE CHARGING DOWN THE HALLWAY, CARRYING ZOMBIE EDISON.
“TEN MINUTES EARLIER”
INT. – LAB – DAY
ZOMBIE EDISON IS READING A COPY OF “THE MOUSE AND THE MOTORCYCLE” CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL HIM SITTING IN LAB 7 SURROUNDED BY A FLEET OF TINY MOTORCYCLES. HE LOOKS AT A CRUDELY DRAWN PICTURE OF MOTORCYCLE RIDING MICE CONQUERING THE WORLD AND ZOMBIE EDISON AS KING. HE THEN PRESSES THE “OPEN ALL CAGES” BUTTON. CUTS BACK TO TESLA.